#STAMDING ON THE EAG OF INSTANITY HOW TO#
#STAMDING ON THE EAG OF INSTANITY TV#

It was exhilarating and frightening in that way that draws spectators to car wrecks. This is surprisingly fast as I suddenly found myself standing on the surfboard and simultaneously falling down the vertical face of the wave at a speed somewhat close to that of sound. I paddled as hard as a fifty-one year old man could. I turned my head to see a giant wave the size of a house just yards away.

I notice that the look on Dill Pickle’s face is similar to mine when an IRS agent had informed me that there were some discrepancies in my tax returns for the past three years. They are waving and beckoning me to come on in for I have proven that we aged, yet brain dead mastodons can still rip on a log with the best of them (do major life-threatening moves on a surfboard) I hear the excited shouts of support from my adoring surfing fans as they stand with mouths open in awe of my primal surfing ability. I am slowly getting higher and higher from the rear of the board. I feel free! I feel like I am one with nature. I locate the smoothest piece of ocean I can find and turn around until I am facing shore. Yer a real dude…no sponging get to the stand-up (Baby…I like your style) I lay down prone on the board and paddle out to meet my fate. I allow the leash, which is attached to the board, to be attached at the other end to my ankle. (I am over the edge of sanity because of the massive stroke I have just had due to the wet suit/ blood pressure issue) (Something about woodworking and placing your feet in a bowl of mashed potatoes)Īs I get into the water on my plank, I visualize myself toobing Da Kine with my toes on the nose. You want a plank that you can curl toes on when you shoot a toober. I choose a small wide one because I presume that it will somehow be safer when a twenty-foot wave is pounding me into a razor sharp coral reef.ĭill Pickle: Man.you don't want to sponge on THAT sponger (select a wimpy bodyboard). With my blood forced to my head from the pressure to a point where my eyes are on crab-like eyestalks, I am now ready to select my 'stick' (board). This is a very technical process where you pick up the largest one available, sniff it for moderate cleanliness and try to stuff me in it. I am taken to a shack where I am fitted with a wet suit. (Alien life form from the real world who dresses like a surfer but has never ridden a wave) (I am not sure but I think she is getting a bit too personal)ĭill Pickle: At least he's not a shubee. I bet he's pitched (thrown violently) over the falls (not good) before he can get his stick on a wave. Orange spiked surfette: Ooooo he's like a real grom. Translation:(Make your widow a rich woman from insurance proceeds and impress a few local bimbos)? I mean I am really hip with the radist grooviest stuff, you dig? So I will, like, translate for you non-surfing type dudes and dudettes:ĭill Pickle: Hey Hodad.are you ready to make a richt wave and impress the honies? These young people are speaking a foreign language. There appears to be a language barrier we must over come.

#STAMDING ON THE EAG OF INSTANITY HOW TO#

Now, I expected to learn how to surf, but there is a problem. So, here I am on a white sand beach with water so blue I would normally only think of a lounge chair, a margarita and some serious decompression. Above her bare navel is a tattoo which reads (upon close inspection, of course): 'Born to hang ten.' At least I THINK that is an 'h'. Her hair is spiked with what appears to be axle grease and glitter. Beside him is a beautiful young nubile girl with orange hair. Does he not realize how much like a pickle he looks? It just so happens that this kosher dill is my surfing instructor. If you don't believe me, just look at the characters who surf.įor instance, that young man over there in the lime green wet suit. Now before all you surfer militants gang up on me, let me say that surfing is a fine sport that builds character. They could have just cut out the middleman and taken me straight to the coroner's office. They gave me a certificate for a surfing lesson! What I think they did was payback for the web posting of their naked baby pictures.

Apparently, my brothers feel I am getting too sedate in my lifestyle.

#STAMDING ON THE EAG OF INSTANITY TV#

My brain ripples with muscles like a set of ab-buster-ized abs on a TV advertisement.īut I digress. To you I say 'HAH!' You should check out my Pre-frontal Cortex! I think the lobotomy must've worked.

At fifty-one, some may think I am a bit past my physical prime.

Stamding on the eag of instanity